At a moment when most corporations settle for a politely worded press release or a somber social media post, Elon Musk once again proved he doesn’t do subtle. Speaking at Charlie Kirk’s memorial service in Phoenix on Sunday, the Tesla and SpaceX CEO stunned the audience with an announcement that instantly became headline fodder: every Tesla dealership in America, and eventually worldwide, will feature a mural of the late conservative activist.

“Charlie Kirk was more than a friend,” Musk declared, gripping the microphone with one hand and gesturing dramatically with the other. “He was a visionary, a freedom fighter, and, frankly, taller than people give him credit for. That’s why I’m commissioning murals of Charlie to be painted in every Tesla dealership nationwide. When people buy a Tesla, they won’t just be buying an electric car — they’ll be buying a piece of Charlie’s legacy.”

According to Musk, the initiative will be rolled out in three phases. Phase One includes life-sized murals of Kirk delivering impassioned speeches, painted against backdrops of waving American flags and futuristic Mars colonies. Phase Two will incorporate augmented reality, allowing Tesla customers to point their phones at the mural and watch Kirk’s greatest one-liners appear in 3D hologram form.

And Phase Three? Musk grinned as he revealed the most ambitious part: “Eventually, we’ll bring Charlie’s likeness with us to Mars. The first colony dome will feature his face right next to mine. Because when humanity takes its first steps on the Red Planet, Charlie will be walking with us.”

The audience, which included President Donald Trump, Vice President JD Vance, and Tucker Carlson, gave the announcement a standing ovation that lasted nearly three minutes. Trump was overheard telling his aides, “I should’ve thought of that.”

The murals, Musk explained, will serve as more than decoration. They’ll become “interactive conservative shrines,” complete with QR codes linking to Kirk’s speeches, Turning Point USA merchandise, and, for an added patriotic touch, coupons for discounted Tesla autopilot subscriptions.

“We’re blending art, commerce, and politics in a way nobody’s ever done before,” Musk said. “Charlie was a disruptor, and Tesla is a disruptor. Together, we disrupt.”

Charlie’s widow, Erika Kirk, fought back tears as she addressed the crowd following Musk’s announcement. “Elon, this is exactly what Charlie would’ve wanted — to have his image next to every shiny Tesla on God’s green Earth,” she said. “Our son will one day walk into a dealership, see his father’s mural, and know that his dad stood for freedom, for courage, and for the future of electric vehicles.”

She paused before adding, “And maybe for the Cybertruck too, but let’s be honest, even Charlie had doubts about that one.”

Musk has already tapped several artists for the project, including Shepard Fairey, the street artist best known for the iconic Obama “Hope” poster, though Musk clarified, “This time, he’ll use his powers for good.”

Other contributors include a rotating cast of AI-generated painters. Musk boasted that Grok, his own AI platform, will be “90% responsible for the creative vision,” claiming human artists often “just don’t get Charlie’s jawline right.”

In leaked concept sketches, Kirk appears standing triumphantly in front of Tesla superchargers, holding a Constitution in one hand and giving a thumbs-up with the other. A bald eagle soars overhead, naturally.

Not everyone was impressed. Critics across social media accused Musk of “politicizing the car-buying experience.” One viral tweet read: “Imagine just wanting to test-drive a Tesla and ending up in a Kirk cathedral.”

MSNBC ran a segment titled “From Cars to Culture Wars: The Teslaization of Charlie Kirk”, in which analysts questioned whether Musk’s branding move could alienate half the market. “What happens when a liberal wants a Tesla?” the host asked. “Do they have to salute the mural first?”

Musk, never one to back down from online combat, responded on X: “If liberals want to drive Toyotas, that’s fine. Teslas are for patriots now. Deal with it.”

President Trump, seizing the moment, hinted that he too might roll out a mural program. “We’re thinking about murals of me in McDonald’s restaurants nationwide,” he teased, smiling. “People love it when I’m associated with hamburgers. It’s very relatable.”

JD Vance nodded enthusiastically. “We could even put a mural of Charlie Kirk next to you, Mr. President. A two-for-one deal.”

Trump frowned. “Let’s not get carried away.”

Early reactions from Tesla owners were mixed. One Arizona man said, “I just wanted a car that didn’t need gas. Now I feel like I’ve joined a political fraternity.” Another customer in Texas was thrilled: “Finally, a dealership where I can get a free American flag bumper sticker with my down payment. Charlie would be proud.”

Tesla sales teams have already been instructed to incorporate Kirk’s legacy into their pitches. One leaked training script suggests telling customers: “When you buy a Tesla, you’re not just saving the environment. You’re saving America, one Charlie Kirk mural at a time.”

Investors reacted with their usual blend of confusion and excitement. Tesla’s stock rose briefly after Musk’s announcement before dipping again when analysts asked whether murals were “scalable.” One Wall Street Journal columnist quipped, “If Tesla spent as much time building cars as it does painting walls, they’d be unstoppable.”

Still, Musk dismissed concerns, saying, “Art is the highest form of utility. If you can’t understand that, buy a Ford.”

For Musk, the initiative isn’t just about honoring a fallen friend. It’s about shaping the narrative. “Charlie’s murals will inspire millions,” he said. “Every time someone buys a Tesla, they’ll see Charlie looking down on them and think: This man stood for me. This man fought for my right to drive autopilot while tweeting at 90 miles per hour.”

As the crowd cheered, Musk concluded: “Charlie Kirk’s memory won’t just live on in our hearts. It’ll live on in every Tesla dealership, from California to Florida, and someday, even on Mars.”

The memorial, already stacked with political star power and rhetorical fireworks, will now be remembered as the day Elon Musk transformed a somber ceremony into an ambitious art project. Whether the murals will inspire patriotic tears or just make car-buying awkward remains to be seen.

But one thing is certain: when it comes to Charlie Kirk’s legacy, Elon Musk has no intention of letting paint dry slowly.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.