It finally happened. After years of teetering on the edge of controversy, Whoopi Goldberg has been given the dreaded “indefinite suspension” stamp by ABC executives. The straw that broke the camel’s back? Not a poorly timed Holocaust analogy, not an on-air nap, not even scolding her co-hosts for breathing too loudly — but her latest comments about the late Charlie Kirk, a conservative activist tragically assassinated earlier this month at Utah Valley University.

ABC announced late Thursday night that Goldberg would be “benched indefinitely” after she referred to Kirk as “a small man with a big mouth” during Wednesday’s episode of The View. According to reports, the studio audience gave a nervous chuckle, Joy Behar laughed like a hyena with asthma, and Sunny Hostin tried to change the subject to pumpkin spice lattes. But the damage was done. Within hours, the clip had gone viral, conservative America had collectively combusted, and ABC’s PR team had already drafted its fourth apology this month.

“We’ve Had Enough of Whoopi” – ABC Executive

“We’ve let a lot slide with Whoopi,” said one exhausted ABC executive, speaking on condition of anonymity. “She once confused the Pope with Pitbull on live TV and we just shrugged it off. But insulting Charlie Kirk — who has practically been canonized in half the states since his assassination — that’s a one-way ticket to indefinite suspension. You can criticize brunch, you can criticize football, hell, you can even criticize Disney. But you do not touch Charlie Kirk.”

The executive paused before adding, “We thought the line was clear. Apparently not.”

The reaction has, predictably, been split along partisan lines. Conservatives called for Whoopi’s permanent removal, with Turning Point USA’s interim president (someone’s nephew, probably) releasing a statement:

“Charlie Kirk was not only our founder, but our guiding light. For Whoopi Goldberg to say he had a ‘big mouth’ dishonors his legacy. For context, his mouth was perfectly average-sized. We measured.”

Meanwhile, liberals defended Goldberg, with one New York Times op-ed declaring: “Whoopi Goldberg is being censored for telling the truth. Kirk did have a big mouth. He built a career out of it. That’s like suspending someone for saying the Pope wears a hat.”

President Donald Trump, never one to pass up a microphone, weighed in during a hastily arranged Mar-a-Lago press conference.

“Whoopi Goldberg — total disaster. She’s been terrible for years. Nobody likes her. Ratings are down, food is terrible, and frankly, I always thought Joy Behar was the smarter one, which tells you everything you need to know.”

Trump then pivoted, as he often does, to complimenting himself: “Charlie Kirk loved me. He said I had the biggest crowds, bigger than anyone else. Bigger than Taylor Swift, bigger than the Pope. People say, ‘Sir, you’re like Elvis but alive.’ That’s what Charlie thought, and he was right.”

Students marching at Utah Valley University wearing “We Are Charlie Kirk” T-shirts. Rumors that at least one red state is considering replacing the Bible with The Charlie Kirk Show: Season One as required school reading.

Against this backdrop, Whoopi’s comments were always destined to explode. Joy Behar, Goldberg’s long-time co-host, looked visibly shaken after the suspension announcement.

“I just said yesterday that Charlie Kirk looked like a Boy Scout who flunked camping,” Behar admitted. “If they came for Whoopi, they’ll come for me next. I’m already drafting my apology to Trump. Do you think he likes cannoli?”

Meanwhile, media pundit Megyn Kelly has already offered to “temporarily fill the chair” left vacant by Whoopi. In a dramatic tweet, Kelly wrote:

“The View without Whoopi is like brunch without champagne. But don’t worry, I’ll bring the champagne — and a tribute to Charlie Kirk every single morning.”

According to insiders, ABC is seriously considering the offer. Executives reportedly believe Kelly could boost ratings, bring in conservative audiences, and, as one producer whispered, “at least stay awake during Hot Topics.”

Social media, as always, has been a war zone. On X (formerly Twitter, formerly MySpace, formerly cave paintings), conservatives flooded the platform with hashtags like #CancelWhoopi and #JusticeForCharlie, while liberals countered with #FreeWhoopi and #HerMouthHerChoice.

One user wrote: “Whoopi Goldberg has survived Hollywood, Broadway, and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. She’ll survive this.”

Another wrote: “Charlie Kirk was martyred. Whoopi should be grateful she’s only suspended. In my day, we burned witches.”

The looming question is whether Whoopi Goldberg will ever return to The View. ABC’s statement was deliberately vague, emphasizing the word “indefinite,” which could mean next week or the year 2057.

Goldberg herself has remained uncharacteristically silent since the suspension, although paparazzi spotted her leaving her New Jersey mansion wearing a sweatshirt that read: “Indefinitely Fabulous.”

Some insiders claim Goldberg is already exploring new projects, including a Netflix series where she critiques funerals, and a podcast titled “Whoopi’s Hot Takes: From Kirk to Kirkland.”

Whether you love or loathe Whoopi Goldberg, her suspension underscores just how radioactive Charlie Kirk’s legacy has become in American media. In death, Kirk has somehow managed to wield more power than he ever did in life, commanding loyalty, silencing critics, and forcing ABC executives to treat every insult like a federal crime.

If nothing else, it’s proof that in 2025, America doesn’t just have free speech — it has expensive speech, high-risk speech, and sometimes, indefinitely suspended speech.

As for Whoopi? She’ll probably be fine. After all, this isn’t her first suspension. And if history has taught us anything, she’ll be back at The View table soon enough, coffee mug in hand, ready to say something else that makes half the country laugh and the other half demand her head.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.