In a move that has left both Wall Street accountants and Nashville record executives scratching their heads, country-folk sensation Oliver Anthony has reportedly turned down a $1 million paycheck to perform at the upcoming Charlie Kirk memorial service. His reason? A heartfelt proclamation delivered in his signature Appalachian twang: “I’d do it for free, for my brother.”

Anthony, the red-bearded troubadour whose viral anthem “Rich Men North of Richmond” became the unofficial soundtrack of every gas station parking lot argument in America, confirmed his decision at a press conference staged beside a rusty Ford pickup and two bewildered goats.

“Charlie wasn’t just a conservative activist,” Anthony declared. “He was a man who believed in freedom, faith, and the God-given right to yell at people on college campuses without interruption. How could I take money for honoring that?”

The offer, according to insiders at the Kirk family foundation, was no small thing. Organizers of the memorial reportedly wanted Anthony to headline the event with a 45-minute set sandwiched between Donald Trump’s speech and Tucker Carlson’s PowerPoint presentation on “Why the Founding Fathers Would’ve Loved Twitter.”

Negotiations allegedly began at $100,000 but ballooned to $1 million after Anthony requested “an unlimited supply of Copenhagen, two hunting dogs backstage, and a stage decorated with American-made lumber only.”

Yet Anthony stunned organizers by rejecting the money entirely. Instead, he asked that the funds be redirected toward “a scholarship for kids who drop out of college to start YouTube channels about liberty.”

News of Anthony’s refusal spread quickly through the conservative sphere, where it was met with applause louder than a Fourth of July fireworks finale.

Former President Donald Trump, who is scheduled to deliver the keynote at the memorial, praised Anthony in a Truth Social post:

“Oliver Anthony — GREAT guy, beautiful beard, real American PATRIOT. Turned down $1M because he LOVES CHARLIE!!! Nobody else would do that. (Except me, but I would’ve asked for $10M and a golf course.) Tremendous!”

Vice President JD Vance reportedly wept upon hearing the news, though staffers say it was unclear whether he was crying about Anthony’s loyalty or because Kid Rock had insisted on doing the soundcheck himself.

Predictably, Anthony’s decision has drawn criticism from the mainstream music world. Rolling Stone, still bitter that its last “Artist of the Year” was a DJ who plays AI-generated whale noises, ran a scathing editorial: “Turning down a million dollars for a political funeral concert sets a dangerous precedent. Musicians are supposed to take the check, post a vague statement about unity, and move on.”

Billboard magazine suggested Anthony’s actions could destabilize the entire touring economy: “If artists start performing for free at ideological funerals, Live Nation may never recover.”

Anthony’s fans, however, are unfazed. One supporter outside the Phoenix venue carried a sign reading: “HE SINGS FOR AMERICA, NOT FOR CASH.” Another fan added, “Besides, he probably makes more than that from YouTube ads anyway.”

Details of Anthony’s performance have already leaked, thanks to an overeager stagehand who livestreamed the rehearsal on Facebook. The setlist includes:

“Rich Men North of Richmond” (dedicated to Kirk’s lifelong battle against “those exact guys”).

“Amazing Grace,” accompanied by Vice President JD Vance on kazoo.

“This Land Is Your Land (But Mainly Ours),” a reworked version of the Woody Guthrie classic.

A brand-new song titled “Charlie’s Song,” rumored to include the lyrics: “From Utah’s mountains to Arizona’s plains, Charlie’s voice echoes, he still remains.”

Kid Rock is also expected to join Anthony for a duet, though organizers are reportedly nervous that Kid’s plan to shoot fireworks from the stage during the line “burn it all down” may violate fire codes.

Not everyone is thrilled about Anthony’s role in the memorial. MSNBC panelists called it “the most political funeral since Reagan,” while NPR’s review wondered aloud whether Anthony’s “folksy authenticity” was starting to look suspiciously like “strategic brand management.”

One unnamed Democrat strategist even quipped: “If Oliver Anthony is America’s voice of the people, then I guess we’re all going to be singing in minor keys while barefoot.”

Conservative media, however, hailed him as a hero. Breitbart ran the headline: “Anthony Rejects Blood Money, Plays for Patriotism.” Meanwhile, The Daily Caller described him as “a modern-day minstrel for liberty.”

Charlie’s widow, Erika Kirk, released a statement praising Anthony’s selflessness: “Oliver embodies the values Charlie lived and died for: faith, family, freedom, and the refusal to sign contracts written in Times New Roman. We are honored to welcome him.”

She also confirmed that a commemorative vinyl of Anthony’s live performance will be pressed, with proceeds going toward the new Charlie Kirk Center for Young Conservatives Who Can’t Protest Good.

Whether Anthony’s refusal will have ripple effects across the industry remains to be seen. Already, whispers are circulating that Ted Nugent might perform at future conservative events in exchange for “a lifetime supply of venison jerky” instead of cash.

But Anthony himself remains humble. In a closing remark to reporters, he said: “I don’t need a million dollars. I got my farm, my dogs, my faith, and now, I got Charlie watching over me. That’s richer than any check.”

Then, strumming his guitar, he added: “Besides, if I ever run out of money, I’ll just release another viral song and let the internet do the rest.”

In an era where every celebrity appearance comes with a carefully negotiated contract and fifteen pages of backstage rider requests, Anthony’s stand has shaken the entertainment world. By turning down a cool million, he has established himself not just as a musician, but as a moral compass for a movement that prizes loyalty over luxury.

As one attendee at the memorial summed it up: “Charlie gave his voice to the conservative cause. Now Oliver Anthony is giving his music. And neither one of them ever asked for a receipt.”

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.