Jimmy Kimmel once boasted about being America’s late-night conscience, the guy who could make you laugh one moment and cry the next. But now? He can’t even make America tune in. After his controversial suspension for remarks about the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk, Kimmel returned to the air with all the fanfare of a grocery store intercom announcement—and the ratings reflected it. His comeback episode barely managed 50,000 viewers nationwide, a number so microscopic that statisticians had to double-check the decimal point.

For context, that’s fewer people than the average attendance at a minor league baseball game. More Americans watched a YouTube livestream of someone power-washing a driveway last week. Even C-SPAN’s late-night coverage of a committee hearing on paperclip supply chains outdrew Kimmel by nearly 200,000 viewers.

ABC executives, desperate to spin the disaster, reportedly told staffers that “50,000 is still bigger than zero” and encouraged them to “celebrate small wins.” One anonymous insider admitted: *“Honestly, we would’ve been thrilled if 51,000 people watched. But here we are.”*

The numbers, critics argue, are the latest fallout from what some are calling “The Charlie Kirk Effect.” After Kimmel’s offhand remarks about Kirk’s assassination, audiences began abandoning him faster than they abandoned cable TV in general.

“It’s not just that Kimmel offended conservatives,” said media analyst Debra Klein. “It’s that he offended the idea of respecting a dead man. That’s not partisan—that’s universal. Nobody wants to laugh with the guy who looks like he’s heckling a funeral.”

Kimmel’s tearful attempt at an on-air apology—complete with strategically lit tissues and violin background music—was widely mocked as insincere. “I don’t think there’s anything funny about this tragedy,” he said. The audience seemed to agree, but their solution was simply to change the channel.

Adding to his woes, several major ABC affiliates, including those owned by Nexstar and Sinclair, still refuse to carry “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Instead, many stations opted to fill the timeslot with reruns of *The Golden Girls,* local weather loops, or, in one case, a fishing show that outperformed Kimmel by nearly threefold.

“Why would I air Kimmel when Betty White consistently delivers?” asked one station manager. “Blanche Devereaux has never caused an FCC complaint.”

The pain didn’t stop at television. Clips of Kimmel’s monologue, once reliably viral, drew fewer than 10,000 views on YouTube in the first 24 hours. His official TikTok page, which tried to push highlights of his jokes, saw a 93% drop in engagement. Meanwhile, a parody meme of Charlie Kirk arm-wrestling George Washington in heaven received over 4 million shares.

“Jimmy has become the human equivalent of a buffering wheel,” one digital strategist quipped. “Nobody hates him enough to cancel him anymore—they just don’t care.”

Naturally, Donald Trump couldn’t resist rubbing salt in the wound. Posting to Truth Social, he wrote: *“KIMMEL FLOP! Lowest ratings in TV HISTORY. Nobody cares! Bring back Charlie Kirk show—MILLIONS would watch!!!”*

The post drew more interactions than Kimmel’s entire YouTube page has accumulated all week.

In Hollywood, the fallout was mixed. Actor Mark Ruffalo rushed to Kimmel’s defense, tweeting: *“We need Jimmy’s voice. Comedy heals!”* But others were less sympathetic. Comedian Bill Burr bluntly remarked during a podcast: *“If your show draws fewer people than a line at Dunkin’ Donuts, maybe it’s time to hang it up.”*

Meanwhile, Oprah reportedly sent Kimmel a note with a single sentence: *“Sometimes you have to know when to exit stage left.”* It arrived with a gift basket of chamomile tea and a DVD of *The Sound of Music.*

Still, Kimmel insists he isn’t quitting. During a staff meeting, he reportedly said: *“Sure, 50,000 isn’t ideal. But look at it this way—if every viewer gave me a dollar, I’d still make more than Fallon’s bar tab last weekend.”*

But even his colleagues are losing faith. An anonymous ABC producer confessed: *“If things don’t improve, we’ll just air Charlie Kirk memorial footage on loop. People would watch that. Heck, even a screensaver of a bouncing DVD logo would probably score higher.”*

What was once a career built on celebrity pranks and viral rants is now teetering on the edge of irrelevance. Kimmel is no longer the guy pulling fast ones on Hollywood stars—he’s the punchline himself.

“Jimmy went from tormenting Matt Damon to tormenting his own ratings,” quipped a rival comedian. “That’s progress, I guess.”

For now, though, the record stands: Jimmy Kimmel’s comeback episode is officially the lowest-rated late-night show in television history. Only 50,000 viewers. Fewer than the population of Sioux City, Iowa. Fewer than the crowd at a Taylor Swift dress rehearsal.

As Kimmel himself might say, if he were in on the joke: “That’s brutal.”

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.