In a move that has set off a Category 5 hurricane in both Nashville and San Juan, country music legend George Strait has reportedly declined to perform the national anthem alongside Puerto Rican megastar Bad Bunny at the upcoming Super Bowl. His reasoning? According to insiders, Strait bluntly told NFL organizers: “He’s non-American and some kind of weirdo.”

The comments, delivered with the kind of Texas twang that makes bald eagles weep red, white, and blue tears, have already become a rallying cry for traditionalists. Meanwhile, Bad Bunny fans are demanding to know whether Strait has ever googled “Puerto Rico citizenship.” Spoiler: it still comes up U.S. territory.

The NFL, eager to prove it could balance patriotism with global relevance, had dreamed up a pre-game anthem duet that would unite generations and demographics. The plan was simple: George Strait, beloved “King of Country,” would croon the opening lines of The Star-Spangled Banner before handing the mic to Bad Bunny, who would deliver a reggaeton-infused verse backed by a marching band and 40 backup dancers wearing LED football helmets.

But sources say Strait, 72, stopped rehearsals after five minutes, declaring: “I didn’t serve 0 years in the military for this nonsense. I’m not about to have some guy named after a rodent remix the anthem.”

NFL execs reportedly tried explaining that Bad Bunny is the stage name of Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio, one of the most streamed artists in the world. Strait allegedly responded: “If his name ain’t George, Hank, or Garth, I don’t trust it.”

The fallout has been swift. Conservative outlets hailed Strait as a “true patriot standing tall against the woke reggaeton menace.” Meanwhile, pop culture critics mocked the cowboy crooner for not realizing that Puerto Ricans have been U.S. citizens since 1917.

Social media exploded, as usual. One viral tweet read: “George Strait refusing to sing with Bad Bunny because he’s ‘non-American’ is like refusing to eat pizza because it’s too Italian.” Another countered: “If God wanted the anthem to have congas, He would’ve put them in the Constitution.”

Bad Bunny, for his part, appeared unfazed. During a recent concert in Miami, he addressed the controversy by shrugging and saying, in Spanish: “I don’t care, bro. I’ll just sing Soy Peor at halftime. That’s more American than you think.”

League executives are reportedly in crisis mode, frantically phoning every star from Taylor Swift to Weird Al Yankovic to salvage the anthem performance. One unnamed source confessed: “We thought George and Bad Bunny together would be a perfect symbol of unity. Instead, it turned into a culture war before the coin toss.”

Rumors suggest the NFL even floated a compromise where Strait would sing the anthem, and Bad Bunny would just hum politely in the background. That idea was also shot down, with Strait allegedly saying, “If he hums, I’m out.”

When reached for comment, Strait doubled down. “Look, I’ve got nothing against the kid personally,” he told a Dallas radio station. “But if I wanted to share a mic with someone who speaks Spanglish and wears glitter pants, I’d go back to 1978.”

Asked whether he realized Puerto Ricans are, in fact, American citizens, Strait paused for a long moment before replying: “Well, I’ll be. Next you’ll tell me Canadians aren’t British.”

Bad Bunny’s PR machine quickly responded with a statement dripping in subtle shade: “Benito respects George Strait’s career, even if George clearly does not respect the 3.2 million U.S. citizens in Puerto Rico. Also, Benito does not actually own any glitter pants.”

Fans have since created hashtags including #BunnyIsAmericanToo, #GeorgeStraitOfDenial, and #ReggaetonRightsMatter. TikTok users are flooding the platform with mashups of Strait’s “Amarillo by Morning” over Bad Bunny beats, proving once again that Gen Z can solve culture wars with memes better than Congress can with laws.

As of now, the Super Bowl organizers are still locked in heated debate about who will actually sing the anthem. Some insiders say the NFL might let Strait sing it solo to avoid a total meltdown among traditionalists. Others argue that cutting Bad Bunny would spark an equally furious backlash, especially given the league’s recent push into Latin American markets.

One bold compromise currently circulating: have Kid Rock ride in on a bald eagle and sing the anthem while Bad Bunny DJs the remix. So far, this idea has 100% approval in Detroit and 0% approval everywhere else.

Political pundits have already jumped into the fray, treating this minor celebrity spat like the Cuban Missile Crisis. Fox News ran a chyron reading “George Strait Defends Anthem From Reggaeton Takeover.” MSNBC countered with “Puerto Ricans Still American, Despite George Strait’s Confusion.”

Meanwhile, ordinary Americans remain split. One Houston man told reporters: “I grew up on George Strait, but my daughter listens to Bad Bunny. Now we just sit in silence at the dinner table.” A Miami college student countered: “Honestly, I just wanted Rihanna back. Why are old men yelling about this?”

Experts say this fiasco isn’t really about music, but about America’s ongoing identity crisis. “The NFL wanted a cultural bridge,” said sports sociologist Dr. Karen Alvarez. “Instead, they accidentally built a cultural dumpster fire.”

She added: “It’s ironic because football itself is basically an American remix of rugby, which is British. By George Strait’s logic, the whole sport is un-American.”

Despite the uproar, both stars are unlikely to suffer lasting damage. George Strait’s core fans will still blast “All My Ex’s Live in Texas” on repeat, while Bad Bunny will continue breaking streaming records faster than Strait can lace up a pair of boots.

Still, the optics for the Super Bowl remain awkward. One NFL executive privately admitted: “We thought the controversy would be about who wins the game, not about whether the guy singing the anthem knows Puerto Rico exists.”

If nothing else, the incident proves that even the simplest of patriotic traditions can be turned into a full-blown culture war in 2025. Somewhere, Francis Scott Key is either rolling in his grave or downloading Bad Bunny on Spotify — nobody can say for sure.

As for Strait, he told reporters he might reconsider if Bad Bunny agrees to perform wearing a cowboy hat and boots. Bad Bunny’s camp has not yet responded, though insiders suggest he is currently designing rhinestone spurs.

So, come Super Bowl Sunday, whether it’s a mariachi trumpet or a steel guitar ringing through Levi’s Stadium, one thing is certain: the anthem drama will probably last longer than the game itself.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.