In a stunning twist that has left NFL executives scrambling and halftime producers hiding under their mixing boards, Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid announced that his team will not play in the upcoming Super Bowl if Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny remains scheduled to headline the halftime show.
“Football is as American as apple pie and bacon double cheeseburgers,” Reid told reporters between bites of what appeared to be both. “This is not the time or place for a bunny from outside our borders. We need Carrie Underwood, and only Carrie Underwood.”
The declaration, which sources say was made after Reid misheard Bad Bunny’s song “Tití Me Preguntó” and assumed it was about exotic rodents, has sent shockwaves through the league.
NFL Caught Off Guard
Commissioner Roger Goodell reportedly fell out of his ergonomic chair upon hearing the news. “The halftime show is supposed to unite America,” Goodell said, nervously sipping from his NFL-branded Stanley cup. “But right now, Andy Reid has more leverage than I’d like. If the Chiefs don’t play, we’re stuck with a Super Bowl featuring…the Texans.”
Inside sources confirmed that Goodell has begun emergency negotiations, including offering Carrie Underwood a blank check and a gold-plated microphone shaped like the Lombardi Trophy.
Chiefs Players Rally Behind Reid
Quarterback Patrick Mahomes cautiously backed his coach’s demand, telling reporters, “I don’t want to disrespect Bad Bunny, but Carrie Underwood has been part of NFL Sundays for years. Her voice gets me hyped up. If she’s not at halftime, how am I supposed to throw for 400 yards? With reggaeton? That’s just unfair.”
Travis Kelce echoed the sentiment but admitted he was secretly hoping Taylor Swift would show up too. “Look, Carrie Underwood is country royalty. But if the NFL wants real ratings, they’ll get Taylor to sing ‘Love Story’ while I do a touchdown dance behind her. That’s the dream.”
Culture Clash Erupts Online
Reid’s stance ignited a culture war across social media. The hashtag #CarrieForSuperBowl quickly overtook #BanBadBunny, while Bad Bunny supporters fired back with #FootballConBunny and memes of Reid Photoshopped into a mariachi outfit.
Fox News praised Reid as “the last line of defense against halftime globalism,” while MSNBC accused him of “weaponizing Carrie Underwood.” Tucker Carlson went even further, asking: “If we allow Bad Bunny at halftime, what’s next? Halftime shows performed in metric units?”
Carrie Underwood Breaks Silence
Carrie Underwood, typically quiet on political debates, weighed in with a cryptic TikTok video of her standing in a Nashville barn holding a football helmet and singing the first line of “Before He Cheats.” Fans took it as a sign she’s ready to step in — though insiders say she’s demanding a halftime entrance that includes skydiving from a B-2 bomber while holding the American flag.
The Boycott Threat
Reid emphasized that this was not an empty threat. “If the NFL doesn’t remove Bad Bunny, we won’t just sit out the Super Bowl,” he warned. “We’ll host our own parallel championship. We’ll call it the Freedom Bowl. Carrie will sing, Kid Rock will shred guitar, and the halftime snacks will be all-you-can-eat brisket.”
Mahomes reportedly suggested that the Freedom Bowl could even be streamed exclusively on Truth Social, though no deals have been confirmed.
Fallout Across the League
Other NFL coaches weighed in, with Bill Belichick offering his usual deadpan: “Never liked halftime shows anyway.” Meanwhile, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones volunteered to “personally ride onto the field with Carrie Underwood on horseback if it’ll make America feel better.”
Even President Joe Biden was dragged into the controversy, telling reporters, “Look, man, I like that Bunny fella, but Carrie Underwood? She’s a real deal. I’d watch that. Jill and I, big fans.”
A Halftime Standoff for the Ages
With just weeks until kickoff, the NFL faces a crisis unseen since Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. Do they cave to Reid’s demand and summon Carrie Underwood to sing America back to unity? Or do they risk unleashing a barbecue-fueled boycott that could derail the biggest game of the year?
For now, Reid remains steadfast. “Carrie or nothing,” he declared, slamming his fist on the podium, accidentally knocking over a basket of chicken wings.
As the press conference ended, one reporter shouted, “Coach, what if Bad Bunny agrees to sing a Carrie Underwood song?”
Reid paused, stroked his mustache, and muttered: “Depends if it comes with ranch.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
