In a twist that has the NFL buzzing louder than a malfunctioning sound system at a Taylor Swift concert, country star Jason Aldean and rock-rap provocateur Kid Rock are set to headline a special halftime segment honoring the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk during the next Super Bowl. Yes, you read that right. Forget your usual crop of sequined pop stars and overly choreographed dance routines—this year, the gridiron will host a red, white, and unapologetically right-wing spectacle that promises more fireworks than a Fourth of July barbecue at Ted Nugent’s house.

The NFL confirmed Tuesday that Aldean and Kid Rock would share the stage for a one-of-a-kind tribute to Kirk, who was fatally shot earlier this month during an event at Utah Valley University. The league said the decision was made “in recognition of Kirk’s lasting impact on American political discourse and his ability to rile up Twitter feeds like no other.”

Jason Aldean, still coasting on the cultural shockwaves of his controversial hit “Try That in a Small Town,” declared the performance will be “a moment of healing, unity, and a little bit of electric guitar shredding.” Kid Rock, wearing an American flag poncho during the press conference, was more succinct: “This ain’t gonna be your grandma’s halftime show. Unless your grandma is Sarah Palin.”

Early production notes suggest that the tribute will open with Aldean strumming an acoustic rendition of “Amazing Grace” while a giant screen behind him flashes highlights of Kirk’s most viral Turning Point USA moments. The emotional montage reportedly includes clips of him debating college freshmen about socialism, awkwardly gesturing with his hands, and passionately explaining why soy milk is ruining America.

Midway through the song, Kid Rock is expected to burst onto the stage atop a bald eagle float (sponsored by Bass Pro Shops) while pyrotechnics spell out “We Are Charlie.” According to insiders, Rock will perform a medley of “Bawitdaba,” “Born Free,” and a new original song, tentatively titled “Don’t Mess With Charlie.”

“It’s going to be part memorial, part rally, and part Monster Truck rally,” said one production assistant. “Basically, everything Charlie Kirk would’ve wanted.”

Predictably, the NFL’s decision has sparked controversy. Fans who prefer their halftime shows filled with glitter, lip-syncing, and maybe a guest appearance from Rihanna’s baby are baffled by the pivot. “I just wanted Usher or Beyoncé,” sighed one fan on Twitter. “Now I’m getting Kid Rock yelling at me about free speech.”

Progressive groups have already threatened boycotts, while conservative pundits hailed the announcement as “the greatest cultural victory since Chick-fil-A opened on a college campus.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell brushed off criticism, saying, “The Super Bowl is about more than football—it’s about America. And what’s more American than two guys with guitars, leather jackets, and an unshakable belief that Charlie Kirk was basically George Washington reincarnated?”

Rumors are swirling that the segment may feature surprise cameos. Donald Trump, a longtime Kirk ally, is reportedly negotiating to appear via hologram, raising a Diet Coke in Kirk’s honor. Tucker Carlson is said to be lobbying for a role as “narrator,” with rehearsals allegedly involving him reading the U.S. Constitution aloud in a log cabin.

Meanwhile, sources close to Aldean claim that Charlie Kirk’s widow, Erika, may briefly join onstage to deliver a short message: “Charlie loved America, and America loves Charlie.” The line is rumored to be punctuated by confetti cannons shooting miniature paper Constitutions into the crowd.

Because no tribute is complete without a commercial tie-in, vendors are preparing an avalanche of Kirk-inspired halftime merchandise. Expect T-shirts emblazoned with “One Nation Under Charlie,” foam fingers shaped like bald eagles, and limited-edition Super Bowl cups featuring Kirk’s face on one side and the Turning Point USA logo on the other. Kid Rock himself has teased a line of commemorative “Charlie Kirk Was Right” trucker hats, available exclusively at Walmart and Cracker Barrel gift shops.

Online reactions are already divided, as one would expect. MAGA Twitter hailed the halftime show as “finally something worth watching,” with hashtags like #SuperBowlForCharlie and #AldeanRockPatriot trending. On the flip side, liberal Twitter melted down with takes ranging from “the NFL has lost its mind” to “I miss the days when the most offensive thing at halftime was Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction.”

Even Elon Musk chimed in, tweeting: “Tesla Cybertruck will escort Jason and Kid Rock onto the field. Full self-driving, fully patriotic.”

For Aldean and Kid Rock, the performance is more than just a show—it’s a statement. “Charlie believed in the soul of this country,” Aldean said. “And if I can honor him with three power chords and a verse about liberty, then I’m gonna do it.”

Kid Rock echoed the sentiment with his usual subtlety: “Charlie was my brother in arms. If the libs don’t like it, they can change the channel to the Puppy Bowl.”

As the Super Bowl approaches, one thing is certain: this halftime show will be unlike any other. Forget synchronized dancers and celebrity cameos—this will be a barn-burning, flag-waving, guitar-smashing spectacle dedicated to one of the most polarizing figures of America’s culture wars.

Whether you cheer, cringe, or change the channel, Jason Aldean and Kid Rock’s tribute to Charlie Kirk is guaranteed to go down in Super Bowl history. As one NFL insider put it: “It might not be the halftime show we wanted, but it’s definitely the halftime show we deserve in 2025.”

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.