In a twist that feels less like a production choice and more like a scene from Idiocracy 2: Football Boogaloo, the NFL has announced it is scrapping Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny as its Super Bowl halftime headliner. His replacement? None other than Kid Rock, America’s self-appointed minister of beer, denim, and questionable sound systems.

The decision came after weeks of online outrage from die-hard fans who said having Bad Bunny perform in front of 100 million viewers would be “an attack on American values” and “a confusing reminder that Puerto Rico is technically part of America.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell broke the news in a press conference while standing next to a life-sized inflatable bald eagle. “We hear our fans,” Goodell said. “And what they want is less global reggaeton, more mullets and monster trucks.”

Bad Bunny’s supporters expressed disappointment, arguing that he was a global superstar who could have brought new audiences to football. His streaming numbers dwarf Kid Rock’s, his songs dominate TikTok, and he’s already headlined Coachella.

But none of that mattered to a vocal minority of fans who stormed Facebook comment sections to declare: ‘This is football, not salsa night at Applebee’s.’

By Monday morning, the league had folded faster than a Jets playoff run.

Kid Rock’s Vision: “A Red, White, and Loud Spectacle”

Kid Rock didn’t wait long to celebrate his new title as halftime savior. “This show is going to be the loudest, drunkest, most unapologetically American thing anyone’s ever seen,” he promised. “I’m talking pyrotechnics that’ll scare the referees, guitars tuned so low they shake your soul, and enough Bud Light cans shot out of the air to qualify as an Olympic event.”

Leaked rehearsal notes suggest the rocker plans to make his entrance by parachuting into Levi’s Stadium strapped to a Harley-Davidson while screaming the Pledge of Allegiance.

In one number, he reportedly wants to perform his hit American Bad Ass while riding a mechanical bull surrounded by flamethrowers and monster trucks. “This isn’t just music,” Kid Rock said. “It’s democracy with a drum kit.”

Advertisers had already prepared campaigns tied to Bad Bunny’s original halftime slot. Doritos was set to launch a reggaeton-themed chip, while Pepsi had planned a limited-edition soda called La Cultura Cola.

After the swap, all plans were canceled in favor of more “patriotic” tie-ins. Budweiser announced it would be releasing a special edition can called The Constitution Tallboy, with each can printed on parchment-style paper.

Ford quickly pivoted too, promising a new Super Duty truck commercial where Kid Rock personally punches the hood until the engine starts.

Fans were split down the middle. On X (formerly Twitter), conservative users cheered the decision with hashtags like #SuperBowlGoesCountry and #ByeBadBunny, while progressive fans mourned the loss of what could have been a cultural milestone.

One disappointed fan tweeted: “The NFL could’ve had global relevance. Instead, they booked Kid Rock, who’s basically a jukebox in a dive bar that only accepts quarters from 1999.”

Another supporter replied: “We don’t need global relevance. We need fireworks and freedom fries.”

In true superstar fashion, Bad Bunny brushed it off. Posting on Instagram, he shared a selfie at his beach house with the caption: “Cool. Guess I’ll just headline three more world tours while Kid Rock screams at a monster truck.”

Within hours, the post had more likes than the population of Texas.

Sports analysts noted the move is risky. “Bad Bunny would have brought international viewers in droves,” one said. “Kid Rock, on the other hand, is going to bring a very specific demographic: people who own more lawnmowers than televisions.”

But the NFL doesn’t seem worried. “This isn’t just about music,” Goodell said. “It’s about making sure halftime reflects the soul of football: heavy riffs, beer commercials, and the kind of patriotism you can shotgun.”

As of now, Kid Rock’s Super Bowl halftime show is officially locked. Rumors suggest the performance will end with a synchronized salute to a giant inflatable Statue of Liberty, followed by a choir of bald eagles carrying fireworks in their talons.

Meanwhile, Bad Bunny has reportedly been offered to headline the World Cup opening ceremony — proving once again that when one stadium door closes, another global one opens.

But for millions of Americans who believe football is less a sport and more a sacred patriotic ritual, the choice was obvious.

As one fan in Texas said while grilling ribs in his driveway: “Football ain’t about touchdowns or strategy. It’s about Kid Rock screaming into the void while holding an American flag. Anything else would just be un-American.”

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.