The numbers are in, and they are as colossal as the ego of a late-night host trying to salvage ratings: the Charlie Kirk Show, hosted by Megyn Kelly and Erika Kirk, has once again broken the internet. Episode two of the series clocked an earth-shattering 1.5 billion views in just 24 hours, making it the most-watched television broadcast, stream, or accidental cat video in recorded history.

If the debut episode’s 1 billion views had media executives trembling in their bespoke suits, the sequel has left them hiding in their wine cellars, wondering if humanity has simply abandoned all other forms of entertainment.

Analysts are calling it “the media equivalent of the moon landing.” Within minutes of airing, the episode was streamed everywhere from Wall Street trading floors to rural barns in Kansas. Reports even surfaced of monks in Tibet pausing their meditation to catch a glimpse of Erika Kirk’s opening monologue.

Megyn Kelly, grinning like a political pundit who just won a ratings lottery, declared, “The people have spoken, and they want Charlie Kirk forever. Oprah had her book club, but we’ve got an empire.”

Erika Kirk, draped in what appeared to be a patriotically sequined gown, followed up with, “This isn’t just a show. It’s a movement. It’s proof that my husband’s legacy is unstoppable — and also, yes, we broke YouTube.”

To put the magnitude of 1.5 billion views in perspective:

The Super Bowl typically garners about 110 million viewers.

The Oscars can barely scrape 19 million these days.

Even Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour live stream only peaked at around 60 million.

By comparison, the Charlie Kirk Show makes those numbers look like the attendance at a high school talent show. One unnamed Netflix executive allegedly fainted upon hearing the figures, muttering, “We spent $200 million on a sci-fi epic no one watched, and this guy breaks us with flags and freedom quotes?”

The internet is overflowing with testimonials. A college student in Florida claimed he watched the episode 17 times, “because every time Erika Kirk speaks, I feel like she’s talking directly to me.” Meanwhile, a farmer in Nebraska said he played the show over loudspeakers so his cows could “be part of history.”

The fervor was not confined to U.S. borders. In France, students projected the episode onto the Eiffel Tower. In Tokyo, entire subway cars tuned in simultaneously. Even Antarctica’s McMurdo Station reportedly livestreamed the show to “boost morale.”

Naturally, Washington has taken note. President Donald Trump praised the show on Truth Social, writing in all caps, “CHARLIE KIRK SHOW — BIGGEST RATINGS EVER!!! EVEN BIGGER THAN ME, SADLY!!!”

Vice President JD Vance called it “a unifying moment in American history, like the moon landing, but with more flags and fewer astronauts.” Meanwhile, Democrats remained conspicuously quiet, presumably drafting statements that sound supportive but not too supportive, lest they alienate their voter base.

Rumors are swirling that ABC, still struggling after its string of suspensions, is considering moving the Charlie Kirk Show into every prime-time slot, effectively canceling every other program. A source inside the network allegedly said, “At this point, why even bother with Grey’s Anatomy? This is the only show people will watch until the end of civilization.”

Merchandise sales, too, are through the roof. The official “We Are Charlie” hoodies have outsold Nike’s entire yearly sneaker production, and Spotify reported that streams of patriotic country music have surged by 500%.

Perhaps the most shocking revelation came from NASA, which confirmed the show’s signal bounced off satellites and was accidentally picked up on Mars rovers. A spokesperson quipped, “If there’s life out there, they’re probably fans now too.”

The second episode of the Charlie Kirk Show has obliterated every standard of modern media. With 1.5 billion views, it has redefined the concept of “appointment television” and made clear that Megyn Kelly and Erika Kirk are not just hosts — they’re global icons riding the tidal wave of Charlie’s legacy.

And as one die-hard fan outside Utah Valley University put it while waving a “We Are Charlie” banner: “Forget Netflix. Forget sports. Forget sleep. This is the only show we’ll ever need.”

At this rate, by episode three, we may not be asking whether the Charlie Kirk Show can keep breaking records — but whether humanity itself can keep up.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.