After nearly two decades of sighing, side-eyes, and exasperated “can-I-finish?” moments, Whoopi Goldberg’s reign as moderator of The View has come to a dramatic end. The reason? Her offhand comments about the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk — comments that, according to ABC executives, “crossed the final red line.”

“We tolerated years of chaos, shrieking matches, and Joy Behar’s laugh echoing like a fire alarm,” said one network insider. “But joking about Charlie Kirk, America’s freshly anointed conservative martyr? That’s an HR crime punishable by indefinite firing.”

Goldberg, who has survived controversies ranging from Holocaust hot takes to debates about Dr. Seuss, apparently could not survive the Kirk incident.

According to multiple eyewitnesses, the drama unfolded during Monday’s taping. The panel was discussing the wave of tributes to Kirk, who was fatally shot earlier this month at an event in Utah. While Sunny Hostin solemnly read statements from Republican lawmakers and Alyssa Farah Griffin dabbed at her eyes, Goldberg reportedly muttered:

“Charlie Kirk? Please. If heaven has a debate stage, the angels are already regretting inviting him.”

The studio audience gasped audibly, like they’d just been told Santa Claus voted for Bernie Sanders. Joy Behar tried to rescue the moment with a nervous quip — “Well, at least the angels don’t charge a two-drink minimum!” — but the damage was done.

Within hours, ABC executives ordered Goldberg’s immediate removal.

In a press release titled “We’ve Had Enough”, ABC announced Goldberg’s indefinite termination.

“Whoopi Goldberg’s comments about the late Charlie Kirk were disrespectful, distasteful, and worst of all, off-brand for daytime television,” the statement read. “While The View prides itself on spirited debate, we cannot allow our panelists to question whether Charlie Kirk’s ghost is annoying the afterlife.”

The network also announced that Goldberg would be escorted from the building by a security detail consisting of three interns dressed as bald eagles.

Goldberg did not take the news quietly. Standing outside ABC headquarters with a pack of cigarettes in one hand and a Starbucks venti in the other, she addressed reporters directly:

“Indefinitely fired? Please. I’ve been indefinitely over this show for at least ten years. The only thing keeping me around was the free wardrobe and the joy of watching Meghan McCain storm off set like a spoiled Disney villain.”

She continued: “Charlie Kirk? I didn’t even say anything that bad! I said the angels regret inviting him. That’s not disrespectful — that’s just me being honest. If anything, I spared him. I didn’t even mention how annoying he’d be as a ghost.”

Conservative media outlets celebrated Goldberg’s ouster like it was the Fourth of July. Fox News ran a chyron that read: “THE HENS ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES.”

Donald Trump Jr. tweeted:

“Finally! Whoopi is GONE. She’s been spreading toxic liberal garbage for decades. Replaced by Charlie Kirk tribute segments, hopefully!!! #MAGA”

Turning Point USA issued a statement calling Goldberg’s firing “a small but symbolic victory in the culture war” and announced plans to release a limited-edition T-shirt that reads: “Heaven Has Better Ratings Than The View.”

Progressives, however, seemed unimpressed. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted: “We’re seriously canceling Whoopi over Charlie Kirk now? This country has the attention span of a TikTok.”

Trevor Noah joked on his podcast: “Imagine losing your job because you dissed Charlie Kirk. That’s like getting fired for saying Monopoly is a bad board game. Technically true, but why is anyone taking it so seriously?”

With Goldberg gone, ABC faces the daunting task of finding a new moderator for The View. Early reports suggest the network is considering a rotating chair filled by:

Mike Lindell, whose segments would consist of shouting about voter fraud while throwing pillows at the camera.

Jason Aldean, fresh off his One Nation, One Flag tour.

Or, in the most controversial option, a holographic Charlie Kirk projected into the studio each morning to deliver a monologue titled “Heaven’s Hot Takes.”

One producer admitted: “At this point, we’re less interested in reasoned debate and more interested in viral clips. If we can get 30 seconds of Whoopi versus Ghost Kirk trending on TikTok, that’s a win.”

Outside ABC’s studios, reactions ranged from outrage to amusement.

A group of conservative demonstrators waved flags and chanted: “NO MORE WHOOPI, ONLY KIRKY!”

A smaller group of liberals held signs that read: “Let Whoopi Whoop.”

One confused tourist asked: “Wait, isn’t Whoopi the nun from Sister Act? Why are people so mad at her for talking about a mattress guy?”

Meanwhile, online memes spread rapidly. One popular post showed Goldberg photoshopped onto Trump’s old “You’re Fired” meme, with Charlie Kirk’s face glowing in the clouds above her.

Despite the uproar, Goldberg seems unfazed about her future. Rumors suggest she’s already shopping around a new podcast titled Whoopi Unleashed: No Commercial Breaks, No Joy Behar.

She’s also reportedly in talks with Netflix for a one-woman special tentatively called Heaven Can Wait, But I Can’t Stand Charlie Kirk.

When asked about her plans, she smirked: “I’ll be fine. You don’t survive Sister Act, Ghost, and two seasons of Meghan McCain without knowing how to reinvent yourself. Trust me, I’ll land on my feet. Preferably on a set without chickens clucking around me.”

The end of Whoopi Goldberg’s run on The View marks the close of an era — an era defined by chaotic debates, awkward celebrity interviews, and an endless supply of memes. But more than that, it reveals how polarized America’s media landscape has become: in 2025, you can apparently get fired indefinitely not for ratings, not for scandals, but for dissing Charlie Kirk’s hypothetical afterlife career.

As one ABC executive put it bluntly: “If we’re going to lose advertisers, it won’t be because Whoopi called angels picky. It’ll be because she disrespected America’s newest conservative saint. And we just can’t risk that.”

For now, The View continues — without Whoopi, but with even more drama than before. And somewhere in the great beyond, if you believe the network hype, Charlie Kirk is smiling. Or, at least, complaining about socialism in heaven’s cafeteria line.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.